Letters to a Doe
by Emilie Rose
Summary: Severus tries to win back his darling Lily with something more than pathetic pleas. That wasn't intended to insult Sev... Not my characters.
1. Chapter 1

**A LilyXSeverus story that sets things right, eventually. Poor Sev. I know he has it in him to rise above himself, even without the guilt of Lily's death as a motivator. So I'm giving him a shot.**

Severus Snape stared at the blank parchment without really seeing it. His head rested in his hands as he sat slumped in a green-upholstered chair in the Slytherin common room. Green. Why must he be constantly surrounded by the emerald hue that broke his heart? The room was the colour of her beautiful eyes, those eyes that had once looked at him with affection.

But she was gone. He had chased her away with his dark ways, not that he blamed her. Why should an angel like Lily Evans spend time with Snivellus Snape? And so she had left, leaving Severus utterly alone.

He let the lone tear run down his thin cheek; there was no one there from whom to hide his sorrow. _Well, of course not, Severus, _he scolded himself. _It's three o'clock in the morning._ _Why would anyone but you be up at this hour, hopelessly attempting to write a letter to someone who despises you?_

It had been over a year since Lily had last spoken kindly to Severus. Though he had tried to approach her countless times since that horrible day, he had been repeatedly rebuffed with statements to the effect of, "I'm through with you, Snivellus."

But still, he longed to have her by his side again. He was therefore making one more last-ditch effort to win his dearest- his only- friend back.

For one normally so eloquent, Severus was having a great deal of trouble finding the words to fill the empty parchment before him. After a few tedious hours and many hasty dabs at his streaming eyes, however, he managed to write his beloved Lily a short letter.

_My sweet Chrysanthemum,_

_I know you probably want to burn the parchment you now hold in you hand, but I beg of you to read its full contents._

_I miss you, Lily. I can barely stand to get out of bed as of late, for I know the world to which I wake is cold and utterly devoid of the peace you once brought to me. You have every right to be furious with me; I do not blame you in the slightest. I do, however, request your forgiveness. Please allow me but one chance to set things right._

_These mere words do not do justice to the remorse I feel. I beg that you allow me to express my sincere regret to you in person. I'll be waiting for you behind the portrait of Hufflepuff. Please meet me there tonight at eight o'clock._

_Your friend always,_

_Sev_

He recalled with a bitter sweet smile the day so many years ago when Lily had told him she didn't like her name. She'd said that lilies were stupid flowers that only lasted a day or so anyway, so why make such a fuss about them? Severus's response had been to "re-name" her with a different botanical title. He would tease her from time to time, calling loudly for "Chrysanthemum" whenever the playground was especially crowded.

Such sweet memories had sustained him through the violent bullying of the Marauders, the torture inflicted upon him by his own father, and now the loss of the wonderful girl who had shown him that the world was a beautiful place. All their happy times were now gone but his memories remained, along with dreams that one day, everything would go back to the way it was.

Now, he felt almost sure, it would. He had apologized yet again. She had to respond to his letter. She had to give him one more chance.

Lily Evans sat at the Gryffindor house table in the Great Hall, staring in shock at the letter she held in her shaking hands. How dare he? How could he possibly think that she would ever want to see him again? He had called her a Mudblood. He associated with no one but Death Eaters and future Death Eaters.

_And you, _whispered a small, unbidden voice in her head. _He associated with you._

**Not anymore**_**,**_ Lily answered the voice.

_Only because you pushed him away._

**He deserved it!**

All day, she told herself he deserved it, desperately forcing away long-buried feelings for the lonely boy who had once been her best friend. She had to stand strong. No longer could Lily Evans cave to the demands of that greasy Death Eater.

_But he needs you, _the voice that was her inner good told her. _You were always that last shred of hope that forced him to keep trying._

As the clock in the Gryffindor tower chimed eight that night, Lily felt something cold clench at her heart. How long would he wait for her? What would he do when he realized she wasn't coming?

Why did she care?

**I don't, **she told herself. And it was nearly true.

Severus sat in the concealed hallway behind Hufflepuff's portrait, head in his hands, his thin shoulders shaking in time to his sobs. She hadn't come. Lily had left him to wait here alone, knowing full well that it would break his heart.

_Do you honestly blame her, Severus?_ a cold voice in his head asked. _Look at you, Snivellus! Sobbing because the stupid, selfish Mudblo-_

_"_Shut up!" Severus yelled aloud. "She's not. She's a thousand times better than I could ever hope to be. She's only… doing what's best for herself. I can't blame her for that."

He stayed there all night, waking up late the next morning after having cried himself to sleep some time near dawn. He was late for Defense Against the Dark Arts, but he didn't really care. Nothing mattered anymore, not now that there was no more hope of returning to Lily's side. Slowly, he stood, returned to his dorm, gathered his books and left for class. He did not bother to change out of the clothing in which he had slept. What did his appearance matter when no one looked at him but to hex him or copy his homework?

The days passed more slowly and painfully than before, for all hope of reconciliation with his sunlight, his only joy, had been dashed from Severus's heart. He found himself associating more and more with the monstrous boys in his house, who, as Lily had prophesied, were well on their way to becoming Death Eaters. They spoke to him willingly, which was more than he could say for anyone else. True, this was only because he let them copy his work and taught them the spells he invented, but he was so lonely! He would go mad with absolutely no human companionship.

But Severus knew that Lily had been right yet again; he was slowly transforming into one of them. He was surrounded by their sick humor and cruel attitudes at all times and it was beginning to affect him. Their ideas still disgusted him, but the power they offered was inviting. All his life, he had been out of control. The Dark Lord protected his followers and gave them opportunities to carve their own place in the world, places where they would rule.

He felt the pull of the Dark Arts and welcomed it as a possible shelter, somewhere he could belong. It did not occur to him that these people dreamed of murdering Lily and her family, along with all their other Muggle-born victims.

A loud noise followed by a scream startled Severus from his book. He looked up to see two large figures with their wands drawn and a smaller, more delicate form lying on the grass nearby. He would have ignored the situation and resumed his reading had the sun caught on the third person's hair, revealing it to be luxuriously red.

Heart hammering, silently praying that he had mistaken the gentle curve of her body, Severus rushed toward the group. Mulciber and James Potter stood facing each other, each boy's wand pointed the other's throat. Lily lay nearby, watching the scene in horror.

"…defending a stupid little Mudblood, Potter?" taunted Mulciber. "You're a fool blood traitor and you're just as damned as her lot when things change."

"Really? Maybe so, but if you come near her again, you won't be around to see me fall. Now shove off."

After more taunts from both sides and several red sparks aimed at Mulciber's face, the Slytherin retreated. Severus watched, felling oddly sick, as Potter helped Lily to her feet, gathered her books, and escorted her into the castle. She saw him hovering in the shadow of a large tree and drew nearer to Potter, shooting him a look of revulsion.

_Of course, _he thought as his heart tore itself from his chest. _I am one of them. She probably thinks I enjoyed that scene._

_You would have, _whispered another voice. _If it had been some other Muggle-born, someone that wasn't… her… you would have laughed._ He knew that the voice was right and it disgusted him. Something had to be done. Even if he would never speak to Lily again, there was no reason to insult the memory of what had once been by straying so far from who he was then. More importantly, Lily was endangered by these monsters he now called friends. They would kill her just as quickly and thoughtlessly as any other innocent witch born of Muggles. In fact, they may even enjoy murdering her, for she had so often spoken out against them. How could he, Severus, the boy who loved her above all else, do anything but fight against the Death Eaters?

That night found Severus yet again writing by the light of the dying embers in the Slytherin common room fireplace. He sat bent over a piece of parchment, as before, searching once more for the proper words to send to Lily. This time, however, his eyes were quite dry, for he felt assured by the power of his message. This was not an idle letter of apology; it was a pledge. He swore to her that he was who he had once been, that he knew why she despised the people whom he called friends, and that he would never be corrupted by their wicked beliefs. He told her that he expected no forgiveness, for he had been a fool, but that he would always consider her his dearest friend and would do anything to rekindle their relationship. After filling nearly two feet of parchment, Severus signed his name and sent the letter to be delivered the following morning, praying that Lily would hear him out.

Lily reached eagerly for the parchment tied to the owl; she had been waiting for a letter from a magazine on charms that was possibly going to publish her article on useful hexes in their next issue. Her nervous hope turned to disgust, however, when she saw the all-too-familiar cramped handwriting of the letter.

_Why will he not just leave me alone?_ She thought angrily. _How else can I tell him how I despise him? _As she skimmed the letter, Lily found her anger mounting. _He says he's the same! Then why does he still sit with those bits of scum? If he meant these vows and had half an ounce of self respect, he wouldn't speak with them._

Images of the dear friend Severus had once been tore through Lily, deepening the wounds she believed had finally begun to heal, the wounds these damned letters so cruelly ripped open. It had to end once and for all. She reached into her bag, grabbed parchment and paper and began to compose a reply. Her words flowed across the page in sparkly green ink precisely the colour of her eyes, Severus's gift to her on her 16th birthday; the irony did not escape her.

_Severus-_

_You chose your path and I chose mine. We all must live with our decisions. Our lives are no longer connected. It is time you came to terms with that and let go of me. Please do not write again._

_-Lily_

She wished that things could be different, but they were not. This was the way it had to be and it was better for them both if they stopped thinking their lives could return to what they were. Her heart heavy, Lily sent the owl back to Severus. _There's still hope for him, _she thought. _Perhaps, with someone else who can see his worth, he can learn to be good again- to be Sev again._

**I was going to make this a damn long part one, but I figured I'm at a good breaking point- sort of- and I don't know how long it will be until I reach such a place again.**

**Please review. I love this idea, but don't know if I'm pulling it off well.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here we go again. I'll have the next bit up on Saturday, which is my 2-year anniversary of my first story up here! **Characters are not mine, though I do have a half-finished knitted doll of Snape!****

Weeks passed without further interaction between Lily and Severus. She began once again the process of trying to forget. She told herself that it had even stopped hurting to see him walking with Mulciber and Avery, that she felt nothing more than general anger when she heard that the three had been caught tormenting young Muggle-born students yet again. But the dull ache burned on and she knew deep down that it would never go away.

At times, she thought of her budding relationship with James Potter and how horrified Severus would be if he saw them walking together, hand in hand. But people change, as both young men had proven. Arrogant fools can become loving and close companions may turn into enemies.

Every night before going to sleep, Severus convinced himself that tomorrow would be the day when he would part ways with the dark wizards with whom he roomed. He played out the conversation in his head, determining the bravest way to say "No" to Lord Voldemort's future followers.

But every day, he failed to force the words from his trembling lips. He loathed himself for his weakness and his stomach twisted with guilt each time he passed Lily in the hall. For her, he knew that he must be strong, but he was no Gryffindor. He was not brave like Lily; he was a coward, just as Potter had always said.

Severus sat in the Slytherin common room, working half-heartedly on a potions essay for Mulciber, who was playing Exploding Snap with Avery at the table next to him._ Absolutely pathetic, _a small voice in his head chided. _ Never mind telling them you don't want to be a Death Eater, you can't even bring yourself to tell these fools to do their own homework._

These bitter musings were interrupted by a loud popping noise. Severus turned to see a House Elf standing on the common room with a handful of what appeared to be letters.

"Pardon me, young masters," the creature said to the green carpet, "but these were just delivered by owl with instructions that they be immediately forwarded to their recipients."

Straightening from his unnaturally low bow, the elf passed folded parchment to Severus, Avery, Mulciber, and Regulus Black, who was snogging a first year in a dimly lit corner.

"Will you be needing anything else, young masters?" asked the elf, bowing again. When none of the other boys even bothered giving a reply, Severus answered, "No, thank you."

Before disappearing, the elf glanced up at the dark haired boy who had thanked him. Severus was sure he saw tears in his large sapphire eyes. Kindness to House Elves was yet another lesson Lily had taught him. It was unfair that intelligent, magical creatures were forced to serve wizards, she said. The least the students of Hogwarts could do was to treat them civilly.

"Oi, Snape!" Mulciber called. "Stop playing with the House Elf and read your letter."

Quickly, Severus tore open the parchment and read the short note written in a tight, elegant script that he recognized as Lucius Malfoy's.

_My Dear Severus,_

_I am writing to tell you that I have recently spoken with the Dark Lord and have mentioned your name among other talented wizards who would be interested in seeking a post in his employ. He seemed quite eager to meet with you. If you are interested, and I do hope you are, please come to Malfoy Manor for tea on the first Saturday of Winter Holiday. The Dark Lord will be there as well to appraise his new associates. If all goes well, you may find yourself invited into his circle that night._

_Wishing you all the best until then,_

_**Lucius Malfoy**_

Severus looked up from his letter in shock, trying to keep his face blank and his hand steady. The other boys who had received letters were grinning at each other and whispering excitedly.

"What do you think, Snape?" asked Avery, a power hungry glint clearly visible in his dark eyes.

Severus could feel his heart in his throat. He could hear Lily laughing in his ears. This was his chance, he knew. All he had to say was that he didn't think he was ready yet or… something that sounded both brave and disinterested. Taking a deep, steadying breath, he opened his mouth and answered. "I can't wait. Our future's coming for us in just three weeks."

The others clapped at his words and continued their whispering. It was as if a bucket of ice water had fallen on Severus. He had failed yet again. He had betrayed Lily time after time until now, there was certainly no going back.

He couldn't bear to sit beside his future comrades while the guilt of his acquiescence to Malfoy's demands burned so strongly within him. Without a word, Severus scribbled a brief concluding sentence to Mulciber's essay, stuffed his letter into his pocket, and retreated into his mercifully empty dormitory. No one noticed that he had gone.

In the solitude of his bed, with the curtains drawn tightly and a Muffliato charm concealing his every breath, Severus wept. He wept for the little boy he had once been and for the terrified coward he had become. He wept for his beloved Lily, who had had such faith in him and whose love he had betrayed. He wept because he wanted so very much to be good and to do the right thing, to take the right side in this terrible war, but he had failed. He had gone too far down the wrong path; now there was no way to change his fate.

If she were with him, Lily would have chastised Severus for such negativity. But the fact that she was not and never again would be beside her once best friend simply proved the negative statement to which she would have objected. The irony nearly made Severus smile through his tears.

But why couldn't he try to follow Lily's advice, even in her absence? In the past, Lily had often told him that there was always hope; that he could always change his life if he wanted to badly enough. And he had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to change now.

Despite the many administrative responsibilities that accompanied the post of Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore tried to keep a watchful eye on as many of his students as he could, especially those who seemed to be under emotional strain. Unfortunately, that number was steadily increasing with the escalation of the war against Lord Voldemort. Many young witches and wizards seemed to be teetering between the Dark and the Light side, unable to decide which to support. Albus tried to encourage the good in these children and guide them down the right path.

As brilliant and persuasive as Albus could be, he did not always succeed in convincing his students of the cruelty of Voldemort's ideas. His heart broke each time he heard of one of his former students allying himself with the Death Eaters, for he considered each instance a personal failure.

One such case was that of a Seventh-Year Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape. He was an exceptionally bright young man, but it seemed that a dark cloud of sorrow perpetually hung about him. He was not well liked by the other students, which rather puzzled Albus. The boy was withdrawn, true, and rather quick with his wand, but he appeared to possess a passionate soul, loyal and dedicated. It seemed to Albus that Severus had but one true friend, a magnificent young lady who was as lovely as her name; Lily.

But as far as Albus could see, the two had not spoken in over a year and it seemed to be affecting the boy terribly. He associated solely with boys whom Voldemort had already corrupted beyond what Albus's gentle guidance could combat. Unfortunately, the Headmaster had not built up enough of a rapport with Severus to feel comfortable calling the boy into his office for a 'friendly chat about ethics'. He was delighted, therefore- albeit surprised- when Severus Snape sent him an owl requesting a private meeting.

_**Severus,**_

_**I would be delighted to meet with you. Please come to my office at 8 o'clock tonight if convenient.**_

_**-Albus Dumbledore**_

_**P.S. Do you enjoy Sugar Quills?**_

Severus stared at the thin, slanted writing of Albus Dumbledore with tears of relief welling in his eyes. He had agreed to their meeting! _Lily would be so proud, _he thought, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest caused by her name. _I've created a chance for myself; a chance to be good._

He burned the letter after reading it so the boys in his house would never know of its existence.

Although he had no reservations about the meeting, Severus could not calm the nervous butterflies fluttering in his stomach as he ascended the spiral staircase to the Headmaster's office. Of course, it did not help that he was several minutes late, for he had been a bit slow to grasp the meaning of Dumbledore's post script It was only because Lily had once told him that the password was always a sweet that he had deciphered the old man's riddle at all.

All too soon, the large wooden office door came into view. Severus took a steadying breath, lifted his hand to knock, and found himself face to face with Professor Dumbledore.

"Good evening, Severus!"

"Good evening, sir," the startled boy answered calmly. If he wished for his proposal to be accepted, he knew that he had to appear professional and not the least bit skittish.

"Come in, please, and have a seat."

Severus sat in the comfortable chair before the desk and tried desperately to look relaxed.

"Lemon drop?"

"Thank you, sir." He took a neon yellow candy from the tin and placed it in his mouth, ignoring how the unbearable taste caused the flight of the butterflies to intensify.

Albus sat facing his student and looked at him over the steepled tips of his fingers. "Why did you wish to speak with me, Severus?"

There could be no more backing down, no more cowardly retreats. He had to speak now for his own sake as well as Lily's.

"The boys in my house, sir… they plan on becoming Death Eaters, or at least quite a lot of them do. They have connections through Lucius Malfoy, who has arranged for them to meet You-Know-Who. They want to recruit me as well, sir. Here."

He handed Dumbledore his letter from Malfoy, making sure to quell the trembling in his fingers. The older wizard read slowly, his electric blue eyes darkening further at each word. He was silent for a long moment after finishing, then looked up at Severus with tenderness and compassion in his eyes.

"We can protect you, Severus. There are ways that the Order of the Phoenix can keep you safe."

"But you misunderstand me, sir," Severus interrupted confidently. "I fully intend to join."

The shock on the Headmaster's face sent a wave of assurance through the boy. If he could get such a response right from the start, perhaps he could convince Dumbledore of this plan's merit!

"Then why are you speaking of this matter to me. Severus?"

"Because I would like to attempt to spy on the Death Eaters." Dumbledore opened his mouth to object, but Severus did not give him the chance. "I know Occlumency, sir; I taught myself. And I believe I'm quite good. I can tell them that I want to join and report their activities back to you. If they ever pick up on my reservations, I'll simply tell them I'm nervous. I'm only seventeen; they'll believe me."

Dumbledore looked far past Severus's face as he studied him. He stared deep into his soul, into his heart. Severus knew what he was going to do and quickly raised the barriers of his mind. He had to prove to Dumbledore that he was strong enough for the task he had just set himself. _Breathe, _his mind whispered. _Strong. You are strong in your breath. _For a time, he fought the great wizard, but he soon weakened and broke under the superior skill of his opponent.

Severus collapsed into the armchair beneath him, sweating and gasping for breath. He had failed. All his planning and courage had been for nothing. He was not strong enough. But then Dumbledore's voice broke through his miserable thoughts.

"I am impressed, Severus. You have great promise as an Occlumens. And for one as young as yourself, it is especially remarkable. But I do wonder about your motives. I have noticed your interest in the Dark Arts and your affiliation with students who have already allied themselves with Voldemort. If you claim to possess the mental strength to outwit the most powerful Dark wizard of our time, how am I to know that you aren't really hoodwinking me, spying on me for Voldemort instead of the other way around?"

Severus was stunned. He had expected Dumbledore to doubt his abilities, but not his intentions. "Well, sir, I suppose you'll just have to trust me. It shouldn't be surprising that I want to fight against murderers."

"But why?" the Headmaster pressed. "Why are you willing to risk everything to destroy Voldemort?"

"Lily Evans, sir." He thought he would be ashamed to admit it, but he was not. On the contrary, he was proud to finally be able to express the lengths to which he would go for Lily. "She was my best friend. Stopped talking to me because I… well, I called her something awful. And she hated the people I hang around with; all those Slytherins that Malfoy's recommended to… _him_."

"You think your heroic actions will lead her to rekindle your relationship?"

"Yes, sir… I mean no, sir, I-" Severus paused and tried to calm himself. _You'll be in tighter spots than this if he lets you spy for the Order. _ "She shouldn't even know about what I'm doing, sir. I could be dangerous for her if anyone discovered me. After the war is over, I suppose she'll find out and I hope she's proud of me. But I'm not trying to impress her."

Dumbledore stared at him unblinkingly, clearly waiting for more. Severus continued.

"She's Muggle-born, sir. And outspoken against the Dark Arts. She could easily be one of their first targets. I have to stop them before she gets hurt. If anything were to happen to her, I… I don't know what I'd do."

"You are willing to die to keep her safe?"

"Of course, sir."

"And others like her? Would you die for them?"

"Yes, sir."

Another pause from Dumbledore caused Severus's heart to skip a beat. Here was the rejection he so greatly feared, the loss of his last hope.

"I believe you, Severus, but I am reluctant to let so young a wizard embark on so dangerous a plan."

"I'm seventeen, sir," Severus replied, keeping his voice even. "I'm an adult."

"You understand that your chance of discovery is great. And if you are discovered, you will likely be killed in an agonizingly painful way."

"I do, sir, and I am prepared."

"Very well, Severus. I cannot say that I am comfortable with a Hogwarts student risking his life, but perhaps, in times as troubles as these, allowances can be made for the sake of… the greater good." Albus paused at these words and his clear blue eyes glazed over with something that Severus thought resembled longing and sorrow. It was the sort of look he knew came over his face when he thought of Lily.

"But you will need further instruction if you wish to have any chance of succeeding," the Headmaster continued. "I would like to give you several private Occlumency lessons to help you strengthen your mental barriers. I also want it understood that if they begin to suspect you, if it gets too dangerous, you must let the Order protect you. Die for a cause if you must, but not if we can help you. Would you agree to this, Severus?"

"Of course, sir. I'd appreciate the assistance."

"Very well. I will expect you in my office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, starting tomorrow. Good night."

"Good night, sir." Severus was nearly out the door when Dumbledore called after him.

"You are doing the right thing, Severus. Take strength in it."

**AND there you have chapter 2, ladies and gentlemen. Please review and let me know what you think! (This is for all readers, but especially my friends with whom I have discussed this story. I MUST hear your thoughts!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**WELCOME to Chapter 3! A bit more Lily in this one, so I hope you're pleased. **

Severus worked tirelessly to perfect his Occlumency skills in the five weeks before the Christmas holiday. Dumbledore's lessons helped immensely and with each day, the boy became more confident that he would succeed.

Albus was shocked at the boy's ability to do such complex magic, especially since it had all been self taught. With each passing lesson, his reservations about Severus's plan waned; aside from his progressing skill in Occlumency, the boy's devotion to his cause was overwhelming. His bravery and willingness to sacrifice everything for his friend made Albus wonder, not for the first time, if Hogwarts sorted its students too soon.

Though she tried not to listen, tried to block it all out, Lily could not help but hear whispers about the Slytherin boys who were going to join the Death Eaters. True, there were always rumors about such things, but this seemed different somehow, and not only because the name of Lily's once-best friend was often included. It seemed that the Slytherins themselves had started people talking this time, for they were so recklessly proud of their actions.

In her heart, Lily had always thought that Severus would overcome his insecurities, his desperate need to feel accepted, and choose the right side in this dreadful war. Now, according to his housemates, she could no longer hope for his redemption.

It hurt her deeply that her dear friend had fallen so far, though she tried to tell herself that the Severus she once knew and the Severus who stormed past her in the halls each day were two different people. And she still could not fully believe that even this new Severus could do such a thing. A small part of her wanted to talk to him and ask him directly if the dark whispers were true. It was only pride that stopped her; after pushing Severus away so forcefully, she did not want to be the one to break the silence between them.

_Pride be damned, _the voice she assumed to be her conscience whispered. _You have to know if he's honestly going to do something so horrid. It's driving you mad and you know it, no matter how much you pretend you don't care._

Severus walked through the halls of Hogwarts with his head held high, confident behind his strengthening mental barriers. He felt truly comfortable in a crowd for the first time, for it no longer mattered how poorly the other students thought of him. Soon, the only people who would not despise him would be monsters, and for the first time in Severus's life, he did not care. He knew that he was doing the right thing and that Lily and other innocent people would benefit from his actions.

He ignored the jostling of scores of shoulders against him and moved quickly from class to class, frightening enough students to build up a formidable reputation without even trying. Upon seeing how naturally intimidating he could be, Severus made an effort to upset people of Muggle descent, thus adding to his Death Eater persona. It hurt him to be so cruel; he hated upsetting people. He found it ironic that such things had mattered to him only after he hurt the person he loved above all others.

With each passing day, he found his role easier to perform. To some, this may have been a concerning indication of forgetting one's cause and becoming corrupted by the evil one is trying to fight, but to Severus, who could never lose sight of his cause, it was simply a step closer to perfecting his act.

He found it quite natural, therefore, to shout at the fool who ran into him on his way to Transfiguration.

"Watch where you're going! What sort of blind, ignorant Muggle-"

"Severus."

He froze and looked down at the young woman lying at his feet. From out of the heap of fabric emerged a head of brilliantly red hair. Severus's heart stopped cold until his eyes met those brilliant emerald ones; then it took off racing as if it were going to rip out of his chest. Here was his Lily, sitting before him, and if he did anything other than treat her cruelly, he could be putting her life at risk.

Trying to force all emotion from his voice, he nodded coolly "Lily. You should be more careful in the future." There. That was rude enough. If he simply walked away, he could avoid insulting her.

But fate would not let him escape so easily. The tapping of Lily's heels followed him down the hallway until her small, warm hand seized the back of his robes.

He spun to face her, trying to block all feelings from his mind and face, but nothing could quell the pain in his heart as he imagined what was to come. "Can I help you, Lily?"

"Severus, I wanted to ask you something." She paused, clearly too nervous to continue.

"Well go ahead and ask, then."

"There's been talk about some of the Slytherin boys… about them joining the Death Eaters. People say that they have appointments with… _him_ over Christmas holiday and they're going to be marked then. Your name has been mentioned, Severus, and…"

She stopped and looked at him, her eyes filled with a silent plea. It would be simple to ease her pain, to tell her what she wanted to hear, which was the truth. But he had chosen to live a lie to keep her safe, to protect many other people just as innocent and nearly as wonderful as she. He could not risk her safety simply to make her happy or impress her.

"And what? You want me to deny it?"

She nodded.

"Well I can't. I'm going to join as soon as the Dark Lord allows me. And I'm proud of it, so don't try to stop me."

"I won't try, Severus. It obviously isn't worth wasting my breath." She stifled a sob behind her hand. Severus forced himself to stare into her eyes; looking away would show weakness and sympathy. Those beautiful emeralds that he loved so much shone with anger behind pools of unshed tears. "But I will ask you why, Sev, my very best friend? Why did you let those monsters win you over? You were better than them; you were kind and warm and… not like this. What happened?"

"They've offered me power, Lily, and friends. People who want to spend time working with me."

"I would have done anything with you!" Lily shrieked. "I wanted to be your friend forever, I-"

"It's not only that, Lily." Severus felt sick. This was his darling Lily who he was about to deliberately offend! "I- The Dark Lord's got the right idea. We have to clean up wizarding blood somehow, and I feel sorry for the decent wizards who have bad blood in them, but-"

Without a word, Lily struck him across the face. She watched his hollow cheek turn bright red, her perfect eyes filled with a look of cold satisfaction, then she turned and walked away. It was the greatest mercy she had ever granted him.

"You look upset this evening, Severus. Is something troubling you?"

"No, sir."

"Come now Severus, I am not the powerful wizard you are being trained to fool. You may tell me."

"I'd rather not, sir." Severus knew that Dumbledore would be sympathetic toward him and his situation with Lily, but he did not want to relive it for the old man just hours after he had managed to dry his eyes and crawl from his dormitory.

"Very well," Dumbledore said calmly, "We shall simply have to experiment. I want you to conceal what is bothering you, Severus, and I will probe your mind for the answer."

Severus focused on the walls he had built around his mind, allowing all thoughts and memories to leave him. He was strong, disconnected, and alone. No one could touch him; not Dumbledore nor Lily nor Lord Voldemort himself.

After several minutes, Dumbledore decided that he was satisfied and released the boy's mind. "Excellent, Severus! I do believe you will be thoroughly prepared for your… appointment. But I would still like to know what is troubling you."

"I'll tell you, sir, but could we try another Occlumency experiment?"

"Of course."

This time, when Dumbledore entered Severus's mind, he saw a single memory that the boy was deliberately not concealing. In this memory, a group of students stood before Professor Slughorn, who had a stern but sympathetic look on his face. The students, including Severus, looked nervous as their teacher began to speak. "It is, of course, only one exam, but you all must work a bit harder in the future."

Severus then blocked Dumbledore's entry to his mind completely, thus returning them both to the headmaster's office.

"Did you see it, sir?"

"Yes. I take it you did not pass your last Potions exam?"

Severus grinned. "I got an Exceeds Expectations. That was a lie, sir. Couldn't you tell?"

Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise and his mouth split into an excited smile. "That is wonderful, Severus! No, I would never have guessed. Bravo!" He paused and the happiness on his face faded. "But you are avoiding telling me what is actually wrong. You do not have to, of course, but I am concerned for you."

"I'd rather not discuss it, sir, but I will show you the truth this time." And when Dombledore entered Severus's mind yet again, he saw the boy deliberately hurtling the person he held dearest to his heart.

For a moment, Dumbledore was speechless. He found himself often overwhelmed by the strength of this young man "I am sorry, Severus. But what you have done will surely protect her at least somewhat in the future."

"I know, sir; that's why I did it. But the look on her face…"

"You are very brave, Severus. I am sure you will get a chance to repair your friendship once this war is over and she learns of your actions."

"Yes, sir. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Severus."

At the door to the winding staircase, Severus turned back and stated in a flat, calm tone, "I won't survive the war, sir, but thank you for the kind words." He left without allowing Dumbledore time to reply.

All too soon, Severus found himself packing his trunk for the seventeen-day winter holiday. The Hogwarts Express would be departing the next day, Wednesday, which would give him two days to sit in his drafty bedroom and prepare for Saturday. He was due to arrive at Malfoy Manor at three o'clock, which meant that he would have to fly very high to avoid being seen in the midday sun; one did not get to Malfoy Manor by Knight Bus.

The night before, he had attended his last Occlumency lesson. Dumbledore worked him for hours on end, and when they were finally finished, Severus collapsed into a soft armchair that the older wizard had conjured for him, his head aching fit to burst.

"I know that was difficult," the headmaster apologized, handing Severus a cup of overly sweetened tea. "But you are ready. I must admit that I had doubts when you first came to me, but now I am sure you can succeed."

"I hope so, sir."

Dumbledore sat behind his desk and silently watched the brave young man before him sip his tea. He felt compelled to warn Severus of what was to come, but did not know how to put such horrors into words. He decided after several minutes of contemplation that blunt honesty was best.

"Severus, I know that you are prepared to act the part of a Death Eater and to perform any services that Voldemort may require of you, but I would like to talk to you about the induction ceremony. According to rumor, it is required that all Death Eaters must take a human life before they are allowed into the fold. Are you prepared for this?"

From the moment he embarked on this dangerous path, Severus knew that he was going to be forced to do terrible things. He had tried to ignore this harsh reality, but it had to be addressed. Perhaps it was better that he had someone with whom he could discuss his fears. "I am, sir, but I… sir, I'm entering the Dark Lord's service to do the right thing, yet killing is the greatest evil. Is it wrong to kill a Muggle this weekend if I can potentially help to save the wizarding world in several years?"

"I believe that you must take that up with yourself and your Higher Power, but I personally would say no. Unfortunately, the Muggle chosen for you would most likely be killed as sport by another Death Eater present at the induction. You are attempting to do a wonderfully heroic thing and you mustn't forget that."

But sir, I don't want to give up, but I… I don't want to be a murderer at seventeen!" It was suddenly hard for Severus to talk around the lump in his throat. He was filled with horror as his eyes began to sting. _Grow up, Severus! _An angry voice in his head hissed. _You're about to embark on a journey into the lion's den. You can't sit here sniffing like an infant before the man who prepared you. _ Severus knew that he could hold back his emotions if he tried hard enough; keeping his mouth shut had been the first lesson his father had taught him.

It was only when he was with Lily that he could be himself. She never judged him when it all became too much for him to handle; she would always be there to hold him when he cried… until the day she wasn't.

Since then, he had been utterly alone, feeling more pain now that Lily had left him than he could have imagined before he had known such kindness.

Suddenly, his impenetrable walls faltered; he could not stop the tears from flowing. But being in that office with Albus Dumbledore, he felt safe and it seemed that such weakness was acceptable for once.

Over the past weeks, Dumbledore had begun to take Severus's strength for granted. True, the boy cared deeply for Lily Evans, but nothing else seemed to penetrate his thick Slytherin skin. Now, Albus felt his heart break as the boy broke down before his eyes. Severus sobbed into his delicate white hands, which trembled against his flushed cheeks. Watching his shoulders shake, Albus noticed for the first time that the outline of his student's bones were visible through his threadbare robes.

Severus jumped when the Headmaster wrapped his arms around him from behind; he was not used to being touched without feeling pain. "It's going to be alright, Severus. You're doing the right thing. You'll be helping many people, and you cannot be morally condemned for that. And when Miss Evans hears of what you have done, she will be so very proud. It won't be all that dangerous, either, for the Order can hide you at the first sign of trouble. Hush, now. Everything is alright."

When had anyone other that Lily ever cared for him like this? Severus leaned his head against Dumbledore's strong shoulder and wept out every tear that had been caged inside of him, feeling not the least bit ashamed. Dumbledore held him silently, and stroked his greasy black hair without a trace of disgust.

After emptying himself of fear and sorrow, Severus looked up at his mentor. Albus had never before seen such desperation for acceptance as that which was visible in the boy's eyes. He smiled reassuringly and Severus grinned weakly back.

Now, as Severus readied his bag for the holiday, he felt stronger than he ever had in his life. He was beginning a journey down a frightening and treacherous path, but the knowledge that there was someone backing him who believed wholeheartedly in his potential and goodness made him sure that he could succeed.

**Reviews are always nice, but this time I'm really begging for them. I can't tell if the plot is interesting and I think I'm writing really crappily (which isn't a word) so PLEASE let me know what you think.**

**~Emilie Rose**


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